my belief in 'Trust' is at an all time low... but not lost.

A bloke's August 2004 online journal

I'm just going with the flow.
any red/green 'highlighted' words are links to deeper stuff.

Sunday 1st August
After a bad night's sleep,
I accepted that I'm going to have to make an appointment with my Doctor
as the Psoriasis spreads again, and the headaches hopefully start to ease,
but the spine and fingers seem to have taken the brunt this time,
and yet I managed to get through the day with unfounded optimism.

Monday 2nd August
Headaches woke me, but I was pleased that I didn't have to pace the floor,
but had to shrug my shoulders after receiving my Bank imbalance statement
before I found my Doctor was off work in the afternoon, so must try again tomorrow
and was sadly unable to take the chance of visiting Doug in the evening
to chat, due to a humdinger head hit.

By 10 in the evening, I was able to phone Sarah
and was happy that her stuff is being settled amicably.

Tuesday 3rd August
Collected prescription from my Doctor and,
after picking up potions and pills,
eased myself through a muzzy head.

Popped next door to help Tony, as Pete, my Cousin, phoned
and I explained that I needed to sell the house... for me to rent,
as I can't pay my bills and I've run out of food and monies,
apart from my Incapacity Benefits, and also need to pay off my runaway wife.
I'm just sorry that we will have no Equity to pass on to our two youngsters.

Michael phoned later in the evening and it was good to talk to him,
as we tried to get his PC connected to Broadband, in his Flat,
but still had to take a Migraleve before bed.

Wednesday 4th August
Uncomfortable night needed a cold touch,
and I'm looking forward to Friday's Hospital visit,
as I don't need this new attack of Psoriasis, and Gluten,
to stop the recent easing of Fingers, through to Back,
becoming fully agile again soon.

After opening the unfortunate mail, I phoned the jobcentreplus
to see if there was any action of my plight soon... only to find
that they were sending me the form back again, so still no help there
but, after Chris popped in, I enjoyed some fish 'n Chips
and was pleased to see him appreciate MSN Messenger in the evening.

Thursday 5th August
Very little sleep, broken sleep, needed only one pacing session
but the hands now swollen, unbending and unable to use a can opener,
although I did manage to clear the blocked filter on the washing machine
before Tony A phoned, needing a reassuring chat
'the blind leading the blind'.

Friday 6th August
A peaceful sleep, broken by 2 Alarms and a wake up call from my Sister,
Margaret, got me to my hospital appointment this time...
to hear that I should stop the Acitretin and enter Hospital as an In-Patient.

I've long-time accepted that Life wasn't fair and I explained that now
isn't exactly the best time for me to disappear into hospital...
so I've got to attend again, for 3 light treatments a week, indefinitely.

After struggling to bring key to lock, I opened my front door
and found more unwelcome mail and, after viewing the damage,
and the jobcentreplus Forms, again, I went into Ellesmere Port
and dropped off a signed form at my Solicitors
before trying to get help at the Citizens Advice Bureau
and a Community thingy, but to no avail.

The local Rep from the Federation of Small Businesses called round
and I explained that I don't know if I have a business anymore.

Had some toast, a Migraleve and a coating of oily gunk
before resting the hands in front of the TV,
till my main PC began emitting alarming beeps and promptly died.
I shrugged, sighed and switched off.
Things can only get better... Surely?

Saturday 7th August
Slept late, after a reasonably peaceful sleep, to find just one letter
at the foot of the stairs, informing me that the Judge held
"that the respondent has behaved in such a way
that the petitioner cannot reasonably
be expected to live with the respondent".

Head, hands and heart hurting,
I wasn't inclined to fault find and left the PC till evening,
when I found that it was a dodgy Graphics card,
but unable to fiddle with screws, I used the other PC.

Sunday 8th August
Sporadic sleep ended with a head alarm
and I got up early, well before 12, and smothered more gunk on,
before wrapping my fingers in Honeyed Tissues and sticky tape,
which seemed to ease things sufficiently for me
to manage a cursory mowing of the lawn.

Rachel, aware of my difficulty in rolling a cigarette
popped over with kind thoughts and prepared solace.

Water based pursuits and paper finger splints don't go together well,
especially when putting on pink Marigolds, so the sink stayed stacked
as I got the main PC limping along and explored the MoodGYM,
Depression - Middle to High, Anxiety - High to Very High, Warpy Thoughts - Noproblemos
and I'll do the WUTIWUF Exercise, over the next 7 days,
and see if I can stay steady through the onrushing whirlpool of Divorce.

Monday 9th August
Bad night of heads caused me to sleep late again
and I was still in dressing gown when Tony A called round
with a kind gesture of foodstuff but, after comparing notes,
I gratefully declined his invite for a pint later.

I phoned the Chester jobcentreplus
to say that I hadn't been able to comply,
by returning the form that I received on Friday,
by the deadline date today,
and found a sympathetic listener.

Later, I painfully showered, and managed to tie my laces,
and went across to the Woody with a penny in my pocket,
even though I hadn't eaten all day,
and realised that I've got three good friends
that I would miss.

Tuesday 10th August
Not a good Night, or Day, and I had to phone the jobcentreplus,
to apologise for not being able to call in and get the forms sorted,
but I must get there soon.

Read and tried to understand a letter from the Land Registry
and managed to get through to one of my creditors
and gain some extra time.

Cheered nicely when paranormal John's Brother, Phil, popped in
and we chatted about music from a Rock perspective,
as there are only 3 days between our Birthdates,
even though we were of an Era, where 'Rockers'
frequently used to beat me up, a 'Mod' in the 60's,
and felt joyful as I went to bed
after a lovely E-chat, with Sally.

Wednesday 11th August
Slept and woke well, hands quieted
sufficient to drive to Chester jobcentreplus,
40 years'ish since I worked at Norroy House,
feeling feeble and confused by fast food fashion,
I was guided to a nice lady who tried to help,
and it would be nice if I can get the Forms sorted
before the anniversary of my initial appeal, in September.

Dropped off the Land Registry letter with my Solicitor
before the appointment with my Doctor
and collected some DiproSalic Ointment for my hands
and I'm saying nothing about my head... just in case.

Brian called in and, after thoughtfully passing on his top notch '98 scanner,
showed his skills so far, in renovating the old photograph of Priory Farm,
and we had a nice chat before Rachel popped over to say that her Dad,
a friend of mine, is dropping in shortly to see if he can help.

I've enjoyed switching off background TV lately
and using the Radio channels on NTL, especially Planet R
while using the Planet Rock web page to save me struggling with names,
I know that opening riff... the voice... nearly there... of course.

Thursday 12th August
Slept well but woken badly, with bloody raw skin,
and don't need redirecting Nisi Wife's mail,
and didn't need Tim mithering at mid day
but was pleased to let him prove something positive,
before mid night
but wonder at the idea of being there for everyone.

Head n Hands hurting,
it was lovely to see the invitation on Messenger
'do you want Michael on your Pals list?'
and we enjoyed our perfunctory conversation
but I felt good.

Sunday 15th August
I'm hoping that that was a peak
as I come through the days of pain,
on a par, possibly worse, with April's attack
but I was able to text Sarah as she starts her new responsibility.

Monday 16th August
Paranormal John woke me several times with impatient phone ringing
before he called round, and I went round to his place
after England had won the important Cricket Match,
but I was unable to fathom his team problems.

Michael made contact, via MSN Messenger,
before poverty pockets ignored penury
and I enjoyed the barbs of a Monday night at the Woody.

Tuesday 17th August
Woke with new pain and phoned for a Doctor's appointment,
which produced a prescription for Gentisone Eardrops
and Oxytetracycline Antibiotics,
and I shook my head and sighed...
but at least the Cluster attack seems to have run it's course.

The hands and heels are also improving
and I was able to don pink Marigolds again
as I attempted to catch up on clearing the kitchen backlog
before revisiting Andre's kindred spirit website
and phoning Pete, Tony P and Tony S.

Wednesday 18th August
Pete's friend phoned and arranged to call tomorrow to view the house
and discuss possibilities, before I phoned the hospital, as requested by mail,
and now have an appointment, September 13th,
for a Gastroscopy procedure which should, hopefully,
shed light on my physical distress.

While the Anniversary of Sylvia's shocking admission is on Friday, the 20th,
it was in blind disbelief that I went to the Woody on the Wednesday
and, oblivious of the football fans, tried to understand...
and, a year on, I still struggle to comprehend her actions, and miss her,
but know that it's now my Life alone that must go forward, head held high.

Thursday 19th August
Pete's friend came and had a look around the house
and I await his thoughts next week.

Pained and poor, I phoned the Pioneer
to see if there might be a way of developing the hard work
that Morris and I had put into creating our Ellesmere Port websites
and found an interested ear, before I spoke with Eve, Morris's Widow
and later lethargically lounged after managing to munch a pizza.

Friday 20th August
12 Months ago I awoke, still prepared to die to protect someone I loved
but this year, after another painful night's sleep, I awoke to a phone call
from the Local Council, informing me that I wasn't getting any Incapacity Benefits,
and my Kafkaesk disbelief was later tempered by a visit from Tony A
and a phone call from Tony S as he sorted my business accounts.

Tony A and I then watched a recording together, of a BBC programme,
about elderly women's toyboy passions and, after a few beers,
decided that it would be cool to head off, as single blokes together,
next year, when the dust and legalities had settled,
and explore mainland Europe together.

Saturday 21st August
Slept well, till late, and enjoyed watching the last hours of the cricket
before searching the sides of the seating for Sterling
and found sufficient for a packet of Dutch Drum.

Spotted Tony, from next door, in his garden and enquired of his holiday
before filling him in on my predicament and was heartened, shortly after,
by his kindness as he handed a bag of nourishment over the fence
and, while saddened that life had reached such a low,
I am more determined to overcome such dire difficulties
and maintain my friendship with such a good Neighbour.

Sunday 22nd August
My Mother, Sister and Nephew came round in the afternoon
bearing bags of beneficence and Marlboro, and their faulty computer,
and we compared our common Gluten reactions.

While it was worthy of a family photo
Margaret was averse to the idea,
especially as I would have popped it up here.

Monday 23rd August
Valerie arrived and took photo's for the Pioneer
I'd like a copy of the last shot that she showed me
and hope that my plea for help will be successful.

I don't know what the eventual article will consist of
but trust that someone in their readership will feel an affinity
to provide financial input, or a willingness to help, to develop my E.Port Website.

Tom and his Siblings popped in and surprised me
with some Bulgarian Cigarettes, after their holiday,
and I'm hoping that the 'Victory' brand will symbolise my plight.

After phoning Tony A to wish him a Happy Birthday, as he was away in Llangollen,
I popped to the Woody and was empowered, as usual,
by Ernie and Scotty's supportive irreverence to my distress and discomfort.

Tuesday 24th August
Another reasonable nights sleep, although an uncomfortable day,
but managed to chat with Tom and John when they called in,
and coped with a mild head in the evening,
but annoyed that I didn't get anything 'positively' done.

Wednesday 25th August
Slept well and, after removing the last of the plasters,
was able to clench my fingers without hurting to much,
so attempted to clear the backlog of spam
and found a lovely E-mail from Yale, lost among the rubbish,
with kind thoughts and an interesting link to Candida Albicans infection.

Late afternoon provided a phone call from Morris's Son, Neil,
as he had read the Pioneer, and would like to help continue his Dad's work.
I quickly donned shoes and nipped to the Newsagents
and bought a copy of the paper, but managed to get home
and make a cup of coffee before opening to page 2.

While the article gave me the impression that I wanted to pack it all in,
and the hits quoted were for one experimental E.Port page,
46,220 so far this month for the site,
I am hopeful that something worthwhile will result
as I'm fed up with all my moaning of late.

Thursday 26th August
A bad nights sleep, which was probably more stress than illness,
but felt better after Tony S dropped of my loss making accounts and,
after bagging a couple of pounds worth of 5p coins from the penny pile
I took cheer and popped across the road to the Club,
but didn't need to use them as friends made me welcome.

Friday 27th August
Drove into Chester and dropped off the accounts to the jobcentreplus
before getting a phone call about the house and,
while no decision has yet been made,
at least the idea hasn't been dismissed.

Got myself comfortable for a committee meeting across the road,
and heard about a photo of a 'Ghost' that had been taken in the Club,
before having a long chat, over a few beers, with Ian.

Saturday 28th August
Paranormal John called round to pick me up,
to go and look at his web site and I agreed to see if I could sort it out,
after we made a copy onto CD, I returned home with a Graphics Card
but, after fixing my pc, I didn't get anything done in the evening,
as my Sister phoned, and I spent many hours chatting to her best friend
on the phone, as I showed her the potential of MSN Messenger.

Sunday 29th August
While the headaches of late have been very mild
I suffered a bit of a relapse in the morning
but not of the severity that pained the last few months and,
apart from exploring the SP2 upgrade to my Windows XP PC, I didn't get much done
and was surprised when Jason, Marks Brother, turned up, worse the wear,
just before 1 in the morning, after a good day out in Liverpool,
looking for a bed to crash out in, and I was pleased to help out.

Monday 30th August
Headaches seared hard through the night
and lethargy stopped me checking that Jason
had recovered from his Beatles night memory,
and could only call out a reply, as he bade farewell,
and was disheartened that I couldn't get out of bed.

It was nearly 1 in the afternoon when I did get out of bed and I wondered
whether I should have gone into hospital, when it was suggested, but I was feeling easier when Tony A popped in for a coffee and a chat about his holiday, before Tim popped over and promptly jammed my printer, yet it was in only a bit of discomfort
that I watched Working Girl again, a charming 'feel good' movie.

Tuesday 31st August
Arran contacted me on Messenger, early in the morning,
telling me that someone had been asking him about the article
with a view to buying the Domain name... and it made me think...
and I admitted that I would have to be involved
and maintain a standard that I've tried so hard to maintain.

Problem is.... it hasn't earned a proper income
and I'm unsure about what it was trying to say?

I slept well before a reassuring phone call from Judy at the RMBI
but, evidently, when I answered the door at mid-day
and found Rachel offering me the key to her house, I looked rough,
as they were expecting a new washing machine but, after no delivery,
the key was collected and I looked better.

Went and put a cheque in the Bank,
and posted my VAT return late,
before Paranormal John and his Daughter popped in
with a PC in need of Ad-Aware SE
but I was maybe a bit hard on his web site content.

After John left, I was able to pop down to the Supermarket
and buy a few basic provisions, before receiving a nice text from Sarah,
and I'm looking forward to seeing her on Saturday, my Birthday.

Later, I was amazed at the implications of Blogging
and was impressed with the blog Service offered by Google,
while enjoying the Santana version of She's not there.