my belief in 'Trust' is at an all time low... but not lost.

A bloke's November 2004 online journal

I'm just going with the flow
any red/green 'highlighted' words are links to deeper stuff

Monday 1st November
Still disturbed by derogatory comments
I enjoyed getting out of the house
to my Chapter meeting but remained disillusioned.

Tuesday 2nd November
I phoned my Doctor's Surgery to see if the results of the biopsy had arrived yet
and later received a return phone call, after they had chased the Hospital,
but still don't know the results, as Brian popped in with a packet of Marlboro
and some milk and I showed him the neat program that I'd downloaded
before settling down to watch the US Elections.

Wednesday 3rd November
Brian popped in again, as Albert arrived with some cool music
in search of a password, and we all chatted well
and later Chris popped in to update his web pages
when Sylvia surprisingly phoned and we chatted amicably
but I was well aware of how much I still miss her.

Thursday 4th November
The stresses of nastiness, while waiting for the good news
has taken it's toll on my body and, while fasting,
I enjoyed a long, two hour, soak in the bath before bed.

Friday 5th November
I woke easily'ish to the three alarms
and arrived early at the Hospital to see a new Bloke
who, as expected, suggested a stay in the Ward
but I managed to get away with more lotions and ointments
before going for a blood test... and then some nourishing food in the Cafe.

In the afternoon, I hobbled to the Housing Department again
but wonder at how much information they will still need,
before checking my bank balance and buying a small loaf and some bacon.

The irritation of the arm limited me to sorting out my music library,
in Media Player 10, till I received a reassuring phone call about the house
and was able to chat with Sylvia, on the phone, in good spirit.

Saturday 6th November
The 'Exorex' lotion is doing something
but I was unable to move very much
as the skin tightened around the legs and torso.

Sunday 7th November
With non flaky skin, I continued the Exorex and, still in dressing gown,
was pleased to see Bob at the door in the afternoon as he popped round to chat,
while his dear wife viewed the cats and later, after dressing,
Tony A popped in, with Haute Cuisine, but after my recent thoughts,
I didn't need to listen to The Streets do 'Dry your eyes'.

Monday 8th November
Strange dreams stayed with me through the day,
as I continued to avoid reality,
and even a session of a sunshower
or a visit to the Woody, to scrounge a pint,
couldn't dispel the sadness that I thought I had long overcome.

Tuesday 9th November
Managed to get the biopsy results from my Doctor
and nothing was found
and I shook my shoulders and sighed and enjoyed another sunshower.

Wednesday 10th November
After a few days of being unable to receive any E-mails,
spent most of the day trying to resolve the problem but...
was notified that a Surveyor was coming tomorrow and, then not, cancelled
not postponed... made the most of Roger's kind invitation to unwind
at Whitby Lodge, to hear a fascinating Question from Doug.

Thursday 11th November
Cheered to hear that the Surveyor was in fact inspecting tomorrow
and got into visitor mode, and cleared the front room boxes,
before Paranormal John popped in after his holiday and,
while he nipped next door for some milk for his coffee and a packet of Marlboro,
Rachel popped over and kindly dropped off some free range eggs.

Friday 12th November
Got up early and lit some candles before the Surveyor called in
and I spoke with heavy heart to Sylvia again, after he left,
but was later saddened to hear of what had been written
about what I was supposed to have said
and wonder at the verisimilitude of so called acquaintances.

After speaking with the Cix Support team
I copied my database of messages to my no.2 PC
and uninstalled Ameol from my main PC, before reinstalling the latest version,
and was gobsmacked by the download of 46,729 E-mails
and decided to leave the sorting till tomorrow.

Saturday 13th November
Managed to clear about 25,000 Spam E-mails
before Ian and Nigel popped in and we chatted
over a couple of bottles of wine and chilled out.

Sunday 14th November
Margaret and Simon popped in in the afternoon and, after her kind loan,
it was nice to share a meal of fish, chips and mushy peas,
as we discussed brighter futures together,
and shortly after they left, Tony A arrived and we chatted
about our dark sadness' behind us
before I returned to attacking the Spam
and deleted the last of the 41,000 rubbish E-mail Spams.

Monday 15th November
Picked up the prescription and chatted on the phone
about the house and, while not counting any chickens yet,
began researching a couple of weeks break, alone, in Prague,
before preparing myself to pop across to the Woody, for honest conversation
 and found that I enjoyed Mac Baren, Golden Blend, pipe tobacco.

Tuesday 16th November
Ian popped in again, after a lethargic start,
with a PC query, and a bag of provisions,
and Allan popped in with some home made flapjacks,
which I digested with pleasure, irrespective of repercussions,
as all my discomforts seem to be improving.

Wednesday 17th November
Lethargically rising to a shocking reflection
led me to the Barbers, for a well needed haircut,
before hitting the concentrated coal tar
and achieving little, as television directed my thoughts,
till a brief E-chat with Sally brought me back to the PC.

Thursday 18th November
Lethargy still reigned till I got an unexpected knock at the front door from Roger,
who was in the area, and I vocalised the potential of an idea of mine
following Tom's phone call and was later pleased by the lack of pain
as I showered and prepared to accept Tony's (next door) invite to the Woody
and was pleased to see Tony A, Scotty and Ernie also in the Lounge.

Friday 19th November
Little was achieved again
other than coating myself in lotion
and improving the skin.

Saturday 20th November
Toothache hit hard
and I shrugged
and wondered what next.

Sunday 21st November
Pulled myself together and got to grips with the kitchen
before exploring a few more websites about Prague
before Doug collected me, to have a play with his new broadband router.

Monday 22nd November
Managed to sort out the unopened envelopes
and bundled some for Sylvia, before dropping them off
at her workplace, rather than redirecting them by post,
and I was surprised at the resultant sadness
and later enjoyed a pint, and solace, in the Woody.

Tuesday 23rd November
Margaret phoned to tell me that Mother was in hospital
with broken arm after worrying falls
but I had no way of getting to see her.

Wednesday 24th November
Spoke with Mum on the phone and trust that she is in the best place
but look forward to when she gets transferred, shortly,
to the hospital at the bottom of my garden and, later,
 was pleased to greet Roger, when he unexpectedly popped in
bearing a 4 pack of cheer, for an old mates chat.

Wednesday 25th November
Slept badly with fond memories
but received the Stranger with warmth
and, ghosts expunged, chatted amicably with my friend
before Rachel dropped off some fresh eggs, and kind words, and
in the evening, Ian provided solvable queries over a chilled wine.

I was pleased that Ian prefaced his 'money making' idea
by admitting that my moral outlook probably wouldn't like the spam scam,
no matter how bad my present financial predicament is, and,
while lots of people are doing it, I couldn't do aught but to prove him right
as my understanding of Karma disallows even such mild dishonesty.

Sunday 28th November
Conscious of the dank mess that I find myself floating in, longing
for the explosion of change, as the floodgates crash open, this week,
casting me out, with the freely flowing waters, into the arms of air and light,
confident of floating down to new paths and flows, unburdened by challenges past,
while my Mind, balanced on its taught tightrope above, obfuscates reality
knowing the repercussions of a slip now, after so much effort so far.

Simon came and took me to the hospital, and his Gran' looked at ease
as she prepares for a full plaster cast tomorrow, for the arm break,
and, thankfully, the heart monitoring isn't too intrusive.

In the evening, Ian popped in and, over a bottle of wine,
we decided that we would both tape the TV programme
Light Fantastic, on BBC4, this coming Wednesday.

Monday 29th November
Ian popped round and eased my VAT worries
and heated up a curry and rice before a phone call from Sarah
saying that she was popping in to see me on Wednesday.

Tuesday 30th November
Little was achieved again
other than coating myself in lotion
but I'm pleased with the improving skin.