my belief in 'Trust' is at an all time low... but not lost.

A bloke's October 2004 online journal

I'm just going with the flow
any red/green 'highlighted' words are links to deeper stuff

Friday 1st October
MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think that I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude" © Abbey of Gethsemani

Saturday 2nd October
The fingers remain uncomfortable and the skin stings
as I dwell on the knowledge that the house must be sold
and I must quickly find somewhere to live.

Sunday 3rd October
Slept easier and managed to bend all the fingers
sufficient to attack the kitchen
before John G phoned with cheering news about the SRIA.

Monday 4th October
A bad nights sleep led to a nothing day
but Tony A phoned and coerced me to pop across to the Woody
and I was cheered by the company.

Tuesday 5th October
I should have done stuff but fear stopped me
and I only just managed to get my body prepared
for Peter F picking me up for a lovely evening with Gayton Lodge.

Wednesday 6th October
Another nothing day was broken by a visit from Tony A,
where we compared sadness', and a phone call
from Peter C, my Cousin, allowed me to describe my distress.

Thursday 7th October
While I wanted to do so much
I achieved nothing, before collecting the 2p pile
and going across to the club for a friendly pint.

Friday 8th October
Another lethargic day passed,
watching daytime TV and evening TV Movies,
and I wondered why I hadn't managed to cry
since my ex-wife of 25 years deserted me,
when I had neither used violence or other women.

Saturday 9th October
Woke to find an interesting E-mail, marked as Spam,
and a message on the answer phone,
which caused me to speak with Dale
and I'm extremely intrigued
as to the outcome of our meeting next Friday.

Sunday 10th October
Missed a phone call from Michael
but, after getting the fingers working,
managed to get some paperwork prepared
and housework done
before a brief, but enjoyable, chat with Michael.

Monday 11th October
After a pleasant phone call from Carol at the local Council Tax Dept.,
I was clearer about where I was in the system
and, after plastering-up the fingers,
managed to get in the garden, for a pre-winter trim,
before managing an evening pint in the Woody.

Tuesday 12th October
The Guinness wasn't good for me
and led to a bad nights sleep
which led to sleeping through 3 alarms.

Margaret phoned and woke me, in time to tidy up
before two of my Aunts and my Mum arrived
but I didn't need to find distressing mail at the foot of the stairs.

I was cheered when my visitors arrived,
after I'd filled the Zippo that Sylvia had left for me
after she had left me,

and they were cheered when Brian popped in
with his reconstruction of the 'Priory Farm' photo.

Alone, Mitch then popped in with kind gifts of smoke and alcohol
and I was pleased to relax and chat with another friend\ex-customer
before a long and enjoyable chat, in the evening, with John G.

Wednesday 13th October
More bad news in the post led to another nothing day
till Paranormal John popped in, after his holiday,
and Tim arrived with a couple of cans to chat over.

Thursday 14th October
More unopened mail and a painful arm
hindered my preparation for Dale's visit
but by the evening I managed to prepare some support.

Friday 15th October
3 Alarms and a phone call from Margaret got me up early
and the skin was eased by the time Dale arrived
and, after an interesting chat, I mulled over my inadequacies.

Saturday 16th October
My health didn't help me focus
on answering Dale's dictates
but I did dig up some old Business Plans.

Sunday 17th October
A bad day, worrying, was lightened
by a visit from Arran and Charlotte
before reverting to feeling sorry for myself.

Monday 18th October
Was able to move around with a bit more ease
and, after a long telephone chat with Doug,
was able to focus and play with some new web formats.

Tuesday 19th October
Got up early, in anticipation of good news
but the phone remained unanswered...
till Pete phoned to say that I'd be getting a call tomorrow
but it did give me a chance to study the Microsoft Partner bundle,
before Doug kindly popped in with some cruise ship Marlboro.

Wednesday 20th October
The phone call came, a vital piece in the plan,
and must wait till tomorrow to speak with the Bank
but was pleased with my Homework for Dale.

Saturday 23rd October
The heavy stuff has happened,
taking me toooo smiling, without reason,
and I'm pleased at how well I coped
with the chats... with Sylvia and the Bank Manager
and the guys of Hooton Park.

I've experienced some major Waterfalls and Rapids of late
and have, fond, memories of the painless start to this Year
when my Log settled among the reed beds
and, while the pain, body and mind, later quickened...
I've picked up some lovely E-mails over the last couple of days, weeks, etc.
and regretted that I haven't replied to Victor, Vince, Sylvia (Canada), etc.
but managed to phone David to thank him for his kind thought,
after I'd picked up the mail, happy to open envelopes, and was pleased
 but just wish that I knew which foods were poisoning me.

Monday 25th October
The fingers, arm and skin continued to irritate
and, while I couldn't manage the Housing, Doctor or AGM,
I did manage to get myself out of the house later, for a pint in the Woody.

Wednesday 27th October
Tuesday was a wasted day but,
after an aggressive Olive Oil attack,
and a pleasant phone conversation with my Ex,
I managed to get across the road to the club
to watch a superb ceremony on Doug's special night.

Thursday 28th October
As expected, I paid the penalty of certain food
and a painful day was heartened by a visit from Marsh
but by evening, even the olive oil failed to ease the pain.

Friday 29th October
Managed to get into town and sorted the Housing Department
but, after looking at the Bank readout,
I was unable to do anything else and returned home
before Tom popped in with some ideas for the business,
which was unfortunately interrupted by a phone call from Doug,
which caused me to sigh at his predicament,
leading me to phone Gerry to notify him that I wouldn't be at practice.

Saturday 30th October
A sleepless night, tossing and turning,
prepared me for the unfortunate mail
but I determined to stick with my lonely path of truth.

Sunday 31st October
Another bad nights sleep, mulling, cleared my mind of worry
and Tony A's visit in the evening, bearing 10 Marlboro,
provided company and kind thought.