my belief in 'Trust' is at an all time low... but not lost.

A bloke's September 2004 online journal

I'm just going with the flow
any red/green 'highlighted' words are links to deeper stuff

Wednesday 1st September
Throughout the day, deep sleep hung around,
with no purposeful activity achievable
but oiled inactivity dulled the discomfort.

Thursday 2nd September
Slept heavily again, till late, and lethargically lolled listlessly
as ows and ahs broke the silence till, cocooned in an oily blanket,
I watched a BBC Programme, 'What Am I Like? The Personality Test',
and was quite happy to be tested as a 'Big Thinker'
but need to be tested by biopsy on the 13th.

Friday 3rd September
Unable to answer the phone, I listened to the messages,
when I lifted myself from my bed,
and was heartened when, on redial,
I was led to an un-opened envelope from Doug,
amid the pile of recent un-opened mail.

After a phone call from one of my creditors, I accepted it would cost £50
to buy a couple of weeks grace and pulled myself together, showered, shaved,
oiled and got across to the Hall for a Monday Night practice,
and enjoyed a couple of beers with the chaps,
before being pleasantly surprised by a phone call from Michael
and, while it was only sharing our thoughts about a PC SP2 problem...
I do feel good for hearing his voice again.

Saturday 4th September
Recurring ringing phones remained unanswered
and it was in dressing gown again that I greeted Sarah
and, after swiftly dressing, also greeted Mum and Aunty Dot,
strange flashback to Aunty Dot chaperoning my Sister and I
to an Animals, and then a Rolling Stones, concert in the 60s
and it was with a smile that Sarah and I waved them off
and, after listening to a few tracks of a new pure Acoustic CD,
Sarah also treated me to a Pub Steak at the Woody
before I waved her off on her bus home.

Ernie had got off the bus and it was good to hear him well
and on returning home, received a message from Tony A
and a lovely rendition of Happy Birthday, from Angela,
after Margaret phoned greetings, which was worthy of any President.
Michael phoned and we accepted defeat on the PC problem
before I played the 2nd CD, while chatting to Angela again,
and I'm happy that it nicely sums up my 55 years of hearing stuff.

Sunday 5th September
Cotton caftan soothed scratchy showered skin,
which was comfortable when Tony A called round
and we chatted over 3 shared cans,
before I settled down to couch potato mode
while receiving a nice E-mail from Vince.

Monday 6th September
Sleep was eventually peaceful while waking was uncomfortable but
on time, I was plastered and prepared, as Secretary, for a Whitby Chapter meeting,
where I was informed that I was Front Page of a local free newspaper
which Cyril promised to drop off tomorrow, and following an early finish,
I was also able to enjoy a visit to the Woody and, while Scotty was missing,
Tony A's daughter popped in to see her dad and his grumpy old pals
and another Tony promised to get me a copy of 'the Ghost' photo.

Tuesday 7th September
I'm fairly confident that, as a week has now passed since my last cluster attack,
the worst is now over and I could be looking at a nice long break
free of head pain but, still pained elsewhere, Tom phoned
to see if I was fit to attend the conference tomorrow
and I optimistically arranged for him to pick me up tomorrow.

Cyril popped the paper through the post flap as promised
and while the photo is in colour, the error full text is as the Pioneer.

In an attempt to prepare myself for tomorrow
I starved myself and, after removing the various finger plasters,
took a long relaxing soak, in a bath full of potions, before an early bed.

Wednesday 8th September
Staying awake through the night, probably managing a few half hour naps,
I answered the phone when Tom rang at 6.40 a.m.
but uncomfortably admitted that I wouldn't make the Conference
and, after another hours sleep, woke with the earache head
and gave up on sleep.

Daytime TV passed time and, apart from a brief visit by Paranormal John
hoping to see the Ghost photo and a bit of shared gardening with Tony next door,
I apathetically stayed with TV, but later enjoyed the Channel 5 thoughts in
'Search for the Holy Grail: The True Story'
and even later, a BBC4 documentary, Did Jesus Die?

Thursday 9th September
Received communication from the jobcentreplus
and shook my head in disbelief at the lack of support
that the State provides to Englishmen in trouble and,
having heard nothing from my housing lifeline for a couple of weeks,
I shall probably be contacting a local Estate Agent,
after the biopsy, and put the house up for sale.

Friday 10th September
Tried to get telephone clarification from the jobcentreplus
but gave up after the third wrong number
and lost myself, updating my history of the world.

Saturday 11th September
Greased myself again and carried on 'blotting out reality'
as, with no funds, there is no point in opening the mail
but, approaching the gastroscopy, I do miss my Marlboro.
Margaret, my Sister phoned and kindly suggested
that she would drive me to and from the hospital
for which I'm very grateful.

Sunday 12th September
Got some washing done and was concerned by a nasty noise,
but was pleased to find a £2 coin had tumbled out of my jeans,
even though I'd rooted through the pockets, several times.
Tony A popped in later, and I enjoyed a couple of cans and a chat,
before I uploaded my updated Timeline and wondered
why I couldn't have got as involved in something that earned income
rather than something that I'm just proud of.

Monday 13th September
Slept badly, but was up when Margaret phoned
and ready when she called and collected me
in time to get to the hospital where, after a bit of a wait,
I had my throat deadened and the probe inserted into my gullet
and the biopsy taken without too much discomfort.

After Margaret had met Angela in Chester, they collected me from the hospital and,
after Angela had thoughtfully handed me a pack of Marlboro, took me home
where I made coffee and, cigarettes aside, must admit to fancying Angela.
After they had left, and 24 hours since last food, I cooked some beans on toast
before heading across to the Woody, wary that my penury must be wearing thin.

Tuesday 14th September
After chatting on the phone through most of the night
with Margaret and Angela, I'd resolved to get stuff done but,
after opening the mail, running out of cigarettes, coffee and milk,
I ended up feeling very disheartened and depressed
till Michael phoned to say that he and Kerry were coming on Thursday.

Wednesday 15th September
A bad nights sleep caused me to look up Voodoo Spells,
to see if I could repay the ill that the Glaswegian blackguard caused
but decided to stick to believing 'what goes around, comes around'.

I found a small tin of condensed milk,
which went ok with some old ground coffee,
and got used to smoking my pipe again,
using a 10 year old, apple'd, tobacco mix,
but still managed nothing of consequence.

Thursday 16th September
Rising early for Michael's return
I was heartened by a kind visit from George
which allowed me to buy some foodstuff in readiness.
Michael and Kerry arrived, and I was so pleased to see them again,
but my prior evening engagement also allowed them to get out and see his friends
and I look forward to spending more time with him over the next couple of days.

Friday 17th September
While Michael and Kerry went into Chester, I opened my mail,
and phoned my Solicitor to get an appointment for the 29th,
before Peter kindly popped in with aid and sad news
and Sarah text'd asking about my biopsy, before Michael returned with Scot
and a box of foodstuff, before his going out with friends again.

Saturday 18th September
Rose to see Michael and Kerry go off to meet his Mum
before they went out with their friends in the evening
and mulled on my misfortunes.

Sunday 19th September
Michael, Kerry and I went across to the Woody for a nice meal
and a few enjoyable games of pool

before returning home and, after Scot called round, I fell asleep,
but woke in time to enjoy an evening pint with Michael.

Monday 20th September
Michael's mum hid round the corner, with her bloke,
as she waited to take Michael and Kerry to the train station,
and the house felt empty again, as I accepted that she wasn't coming back.

In the evening, Peter picked me up and we went round to see Doug,
where I knew that I was among friends
before I popped into the Woody, for a reality check, with friends.

Tuesday 21st September
Another uncomfortable day, and I was unable to pick up my prescription,
but I did manage to open envelopes and sort paperwork before
unsuccessfully trying to contact the chap about the house purchase
and by the evening I was noticeably down when my Mother phoned
to hear the results of the biopsy, which hadn't arrived yet.

Wednesday 22nd September
Drove into Ellesmere Port, before the Insurance expires tomorrow
and, after converting the penny jar into pounds,
tried to get some sense out of the Council Tax department
but even they had to admit that they didn't understand
what the State was doing as they failed to support me.

Called into the Supermarket and bought a nice white loaf,
before finding that the Doctor's Surgery was closed for Staff training,
and, on returning home, picked up the afternoon mail
to find that I was an Ex-Husband, by Decree Absolute,
and made an appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau, next Wednesday.

Thursday 23rd September
On finding a message on the answer machine, I was heartened
that maybe I can continue to live in the family home
and managed to pick up the prescription, before Tom popped in,
before attending a very nice Chapter meeting, but was concerned
at the number of hands risen later, over whether I was a male chauvinist.

Friday 24th September
Uncomfortable without body gunk, I was cheered sufficiently
after Doug popped in, to phone my Building Society
and a nice lady eased one of my main financial worries.
Tony A popped in, with some foodstuff and alcohol,
in the evening, and we enjoyed exploring the merits of Internet Dating
before I had a long Messenger Chat with Arran and his new young lady.

Saturday 25th September
Discomfort allowed lethargy to rule the day
but by the evening was able to prepare a meal
and the fingers were able to grasp the backlog of dirty dishes.

Sunday 26th September
Researching another bad nights sleep, I'm fairly confident
that my psoriasis and gluten intolerance are connected by DH,
and look forward to seeing the results of the biopsy soon.
In the afternoon, Doug kindly popped in again
and I was able to open some unopened mail
before I received an interesting phone call from Lyndon
and later, enjoyed Tony A's company over a couple of cans.

Monday 27th September
Woke late again but managed to phone most of my creditors
and was heartened at the support that I received
for the next few weeks, before Ian popped in for a few minutes,
and then I phoned my Doctors to see if they had heard anything
but as no information was forthcoming, I later enjoyed a few Monday Beers.

Tuesday 28th September
Another lethargic day wasn't helped
when I bought a small wholemeal loaf
but it convinced me of my grain intolerance.

Wednesday 29th September
Met with Derek, at the CAB,
and understood the State limitations on support
before meeting my Solicitor
and found that Sylvia was still withholding information
which caused a sadness that led to unsettled thoughts.

Thursday 30th September
Woke with a headache, neither cluster nor hangover,
and realised that there was no way that I could continue to live in the Family home
but was unable to phone the Estate Agent.

Chris popped in, and I enjoyed the chat,
before a realistic phone call with Doug
and, after a Thursday visit to the Club across the road,
I watched a recording of the Peasants Revolt, and
found that I was in tune with the following Step-backward Wives.