my belief in 'Trust' is at an all time low... but not lost.

A bloke's June 2005 online journal

I'm just going with the flow
any red/green 'highlighted' words are links to deeper stuff

Wednesday 1st June
The psoriasis continues to ping about the body and the discomfort caused me to do little
but I'm determined not to let this last few weeks of chaos cause distress
and was pleased to chat with Paranormal John when he called in in the evening.

Thursday 2nd June
Received a phone call from the buyer's Surveyor and agreed to his visit tomorrow
and then got frantically carried away by moving furniture around the house but
was quite pleased with the reorganisation and happy that a stranger could wander around.

Friday 3rd June
The Surveyor arrived and I was pleased to show him around the reshaped house
but I was exhausted after he left and unwound in front of the TV.

Saturday 4th June
Woke stiff and unable to bend my fragile back,
so phoned Paranormal John to apologise for not being able to attend the evening vigil
and got myself comfortable in front of the TV and relaxed.

Sunday 5th June
Arran popped in, in the afternoon, to share some of his latest web ideas over a coffee,
when the phone rang and my Cousin Pete asked if I fancied a trip to Bolton,
in the next ten minutes, to see Elton John perform live and,
after hesitating for a split second, Arran understandingly left
as I hastily shaved, and was ready when Pete, Tracy and Keith arrived.

After arrival, and a horrendous queue to get exorbitantly priced refreshments,
causing Pete and I to miss Lulu, the opening act, we settled down to enjoy
a superb performance from Elton John and his band and, while 34 years have passed
since I last saw him at the Free Trade Hall in Manchester, the performance quality hadn't diminished and it was good to hear so many classic songs again, rejuvenated as 2005 Rock.

After dreadful traffic-flow on leaving the venue, I wasn't bothered
that I hadn't eaten during the day but when we arrived at the 'Curry Mile' in Manchester
for a lovely Indian meal, in warm company, it just topped off a very special day.

Monday 6th June
Still cheered by yesterday's wonderful experience, I rose before Arran returned
and we looked at where our web explorations have got us but, after he left,
I remain concerned that my web efforts will remain un-commercial.

Tuesday 7th June
Pete F called round and ran me into town to pay the weekly TV licence
and then I had a look at his security settings for his E-mail
before Paranormal John popped in here for a chat about group dynamics
and I felt no guilt discussing my plight, while he was here,
when the chap from the Bank, who looks after dodgy accounts, phoned me.

Wednesday 8th June
Phoned the Solicitor and was pleased to hear that completion should be later this month
and, after adding a couple more unopened letters on the pile, went into the garden
for a potter amongst the weeds, but enjoyed the breaks when Brian B dropped in
and Chris M phoned to check on things, and by evening I was pleased
with how the garden looked, and at how well the soil had attacked the flaky hand skin.

Thursday 9th June
Arran called in and we explored his new concept
before I coated my increasingly irritable skin with ointments
and explored how I can do something positive with my mind.

Friday 10th June
Tom popped in and trimmed the bonsai oak
before I phoned Tony A for a comradely chat
and then did a bit more mind exploration.

Saturday 11th June
Uncomfortable day but got myself ready for another vigil at Plas Teg
and was able to take my mind off stuff
but didn't get anything special from my ghostly investigations.

Sunday 12th June
Broken short sleep got me up early in the morning
and discomfort continued to cause me to watch afternoon TV
before Tony A popped in with a bit of cheering chat and a few beers.

Monday 13th June
Phoned the Solicitor, Bank and Sylvia and was pleased to chat with Tony S
before I took up Tony A's cajole and enjoyed a pint in the Woody
but know that I need a European 'Rite of Passage' to cleanse the nasties, soon.

Tuesday 14th June
Pete F popped in and took me to the Post Office before we sorted the Club's PC
and then, after nipping to the local shop for a some bacon and eggs,
got a message from Michael that he was coming home tomorrow, for a couple of days,
so phoned his Mum and Sister, and both will be popping in tomorrow
but wished that stuff here had been sorted and been able to cook a fatted calf.

Wednesday 15th June
Received notification of Exchange, before Sylvia arrived mid-day, and
we were able to converse as grown-ups for a couple of hours, before posting a copy letter
to my Bank and she bought me some Marlboro and some Pepsi for Michael, before leaving
for work, before our Daughter arrived and then our Son, and we chatted about their holidays,
with Internet A\V support, before wandering across to the Woody for a nice meal,
unfortunately, Sarah and Lee had to return to Chester and Michael went off to see his pals.
Arran popped in and Michael arrived back, about 2ish, with his best mate, Jamie,
and we all chatted well through the night, and early morning.

Thursday 16th June
Michael and I were just about awake when Sylvia called in, after her work,
and I was pleased that she was able to see our Son, and we also took the opportunity
to nip down to see the Solicitors and sign some documents together, before she left
for her new bloke, and Michael and I went across to the Woody again
where we were joined by his friend Scott and Arran, before another late night session.

Friday 17th June
Jamie called for Michael in the morning, for a wander around Chester prior to the London train
and, while the house seemed empty again, I was content that he still had a home to return to and was able to phone Sylvia, to keep her up to date on what had happened to her Son,
but wasn't inclined to doing much, other than treat the skin to some ointment
and wondering about what the future now held for me, on completion day.

Saturday 18th June
Superb sunshine drew me into the garden
and a long soak in Sarah's 'Dead Sea Salts' was anticipated
but the eventual soak was interrupted by the doorbell
and, after peering from the bedroom window, found two of Michael's friends
asking if I fancied a pint, as they thought I might be a bit down after Michael's return.

Pleased at the concern, I accepted their invitation
but after a pint, a phone call drew them away
and I stayed for another, enjoying the cleavage heat view
before Scotty arrived, and then Nick,
and accepted their invitation to an interesting chat, joining Ian, in the Shell.

Sunday 19th June
Pleased with the sentiments enclosed in the Father's Day cards,
I put my feet up and relaxed, as I listened to the Cricket commentary,
and tried to be sociable when Arran & Loz popped in, during the final overs,
but my mind wasn't into thinking about stuff and, after they left,
I opened Sarah's bottle of Glenmorangie as I puffed on Michael's Marlboro.

Monday 20th June
Aware that the dam is about to burst, trickles of hope have allowed me to start
treading water again, rather than struggling through the stagnant mud,
and I wandered into town and drew out a bit of money
and enjoyed buying a pint for my Monday friends
knowing that I couldn't get too excited in their company,
and was warmly pleased when Ernie gave me a DVD player
after he had heard, last week, that mine was defunct.

Tuesday 21st June
Stuck, mentally, and couldn't cope with receiving E-mail, Messenger, etc.,
and, while I enjoyed sharing a problem with Peter F,
I escaped into another Radio rendition of Cricket.

Wednesday 22nd June
I opened mail from my Solicitor but needed to get the body comfortable, and
it was late in the day, the arm ached, so put off till tomorrow
before Alan T dropped in and I had to emphasise, yet again, the importance
of some Anti-virus\adware as, if you don't want to pay for protection,
there are some vital free downloads at www.download.com

Thursday 23rd June
Got into Town, to see my Solicitor, only to find that I had already signed the form
but was pleased to receive a phone call later, from the buyer,
that he, and Sharon, would be looking at their new property next week.

Friday 24th June
Closed down completely, well almost,
but managed to update the Hospice page, eventually,
as the dis ease is getting a bit dis comfortable again
and, while accepting the the present fasting, time flow, is slowly easing the mud,
I remain confident that the rising tide of change will allow me to trust my breathing.

Saturday 25th June
No mail on the carpet but cancelled my attendance, at tonight's vigil,
and, after some heavy ponderings, and sighs, collected a lot of E-mails
and coped with sooooooooooo much spam Kraaaap, and, while I must, yet again,
apologise to several, deservingly, expectant, reply recipients,
I did get absorbed in one bit of information,

Value-judging, condemning yourself and others (One)
Giving your value away to others (Two)
Trying to be other than you authentically are (Three)
Making negative comparisons (Four)
Over-interpreting your experience (Five)
Becoming dependent on something outside yourself for support (Six)
Anticipating what you are going to do next (Seven)
Trying to force or control your life (Eight)
Resisting being affected by your experiences (Nine)”
-- from Don Riso and Russ Hudson, The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 42

Sunday 26th June
Tony S popped in and allowed me to have some confidence through another week
while I continued to believe that the nasty stuff, happening, still contains a positive pattern
but my stupidity still precludes me from reading the Diary notes of the last couple of years.

Monday 27th June
It was lovely to see John B, albeit so early, not in my sleep pattern
and didn't procrastinate over opening troublesome mail,
and was pleased that I'm not being prosecuted by the TV people,
and also enjoyed reading an NLP invitation to train in photo reading,
before Sylvia phoned (I really do need her to 'sign off' our Divorce and Settlement)
but managed to get across to a Monday hour at the Woody
before more ponderings about how I could re-buy my home.

Tuesday 28th June
Content, in mind, knowing that the rising water is easing the muddy clamp about my feet
and aware that the latest spread of bodily discomfort looks as though it's peaked,
went and had a nice haircut, unconcerned at the grotty hands and scalp.

Wednesday 29th June
Still no mail but was happy that the home looked comfortable,
maybe a bit dusty, as I waited, still blinded by juggernaut spray,
knowing that the road ahead is clear and the rainbow is imminent.

Thursday 30th June
No mail again and no information from the phone calls to my Solicitors
when Sylvia called in and we tried to find out more, broken by a brief visit from Brian B,
but, yet again, as the tide rises, no return phone calls.