my belief in 'Trust' is at an all time low... but not lost.

A bloke's March 2005 online journal

I'm just going with the flow
any red/green 'highlighted' words are links to deeper stuff

Tuesday 1st March
Muttered 'White Rabbit' as I picked up the morning mail
which joined the pile on the table
and was maybe a bit too grumpy when Arran and Loz arrived
but enjoyed my space when his computer went home
but I still remained unable to reply to some important E-mails.

Wednesday 2nd March
Spoke on the phone with Doug and reluctantly agreed to open my mounting mail
before he came here and kicked me up my proverbial backside
after hiding my ostrich head in the continually drifting sand.

I hadn't realised what a serious mess I was in, as Solicitors procrastinate,
but was relieved that high pressure lifted the gloom, substantially,
and thank Doug, and Province, for buying me a little more time.

I was cheered further in the evening
after a chat on MSN Messenger with Son Michael
and slept better than I have for a while.

Thursday 3rd March
Felt like listening to Music again but found that the LP recording software
had run out of time, where did the time go, I wondered
as I phoned my 'Aunty Hazel', as I missed the funeral of her beloved Husband
of 60 odd years, yesterday, and trust that she knows that my thoughts were with her
as I would have been there if I had had transport.

Pete Fitz popped in with an easily resolved problem
and kindly offered to get me to tomorrow's Hospital Consultation
before Robin H and Paranormal John arrived simultaneously,
knowing each other perchance, before Cyril picked me up to sort out his PC briefly
and then found that I enjoyed unwinding with 'Frequency' on TV again.

Friday 4th March
My Consultant's Locum was surprised at how well my body was coping
with my predicaments, before Sylvia popped in to collect her misdirected mail,
and I wondered at how cool I should be after her desertion...
but I enjoyed her company.

Saturday 5th March
Margaret J got me out of bed, after I had assured her yesterday that I would be awake
before midday, but I was ready to visit Paranormal John's home later
and show him how to upload his new website, before my Daughter,
Sarah, phoned to say that she was coming to see how I was
tomorrow.

Sunday 6th March
Sarah and Lee arrived, bearing kind thoughts and gifts from Cyprus,
before taking me across to the Woody where we chatted into the evening
over a nice meal and a few drinks and, after they had left for Chester,
I made my Mother's Day phone call
before falling into a relaxed sleep in front of the TV.

Monday 7th March
Eventually opened some nasty mail and was pleased that it had been dealt with
before paranormal John popped in to say that it would take 6 days to upload
our latest website, and I'm pleased that I never recommended Freeola,
and I was also pleased to pop into my local shop and buy some clothes washing tablets
before visiting the Woody, thanks to Sarah's kind contribution.

Tuesday 8th March
A head cold had kicked in by the time that Sylvia rang
with disturbing news and, aware that I couldn't do anything on my own,
I phoned Sarah and she immediately offered to help us.

Wednesday 9th March
Sylvia popped in and it was nice seeing her here again,
to talk through admitted problems, after she had organised things with Sarah
and, while heavy stuff looks to be temporarily resolved
I still wanted to scream after she had left
but enjoyed the silence of company when I visited Whitby Lodge in the evening.

Thursday 10th March
Arran and Loz called in and we set up the web site for Paranormal John
before he arrived in the evening to organise tomorrow's vigil
and Robin popped in for chat later, which took my mind off problems.

Friday 11th March
Lethargy ruled again, until Paranormal John picked me up, early
and we headed off for a Red Nose Day event at Plas Teg
and while the students brought a lightness to the night
I was intrigued that I should feel so warmly
while in proximity to one of the unattainable responsible adults.

Saturday 12th March
Forced myself to get prepared for another night at Plas Teg
and, after a chat there with Paul, the Gadget Man, about Orbs,
I resolved to update my thoughts on my return, and
after sorting some 1500+ pictures that I've taken with reference to Orbs
since 2002, I managed to get to bed before last night's 7 am.

Sunday 13th March
I'm aware that my body is showing early signs of the imminent recurrence
of my skin's recurring reaction to horrible hindrances
but felt comfortable with the wobbly knees that the Plas Teg stairs
had inflicted on my non-agile frame's lack of exercise
and was pleased to relax with Tony A, over a beer, when he popped in.

Monday 14th March
Sylvia phoned, from Sarah's new home, and reassured me, that stuff had been sorted,
but my gut remained unaffected and lethargy remained through Barry's visit
knowing that there were times when 'enough was enough' and he would have to
buy a new PC but, by evening, I was pleased to guide Gadget Paul through some basic rules
of html design, before he dropped me off at the Woody, and was later satisfied
by the second part of the BBC interpretation of Supervolcano before I watched Catch 22
for the umpteenth time, but remember laughing more at my multiple readings of the book.

Tuesday 15th March
Wanted to do stuff but didn't
before listening to Nazareth's original recording of 'Woke up this Morning'

Woke up this morning, my dog was dead,
Someone disliked him and shot him through the head.
Woke up this morning, my cat had died,
I know I'll miss her, sat down and cried.
Came home this evening, my hog was gone,
People here don't like me, I think I'll soon move on.
Now something's happened, that would make a saint frown,
I turned my back and my house burned down.

but felt better, after listening to Al Kooper's '(Be Yourself) Be Real'
before Robin H popped in in the evening, with a kind contribution,
and Paranormal John arrived with a kindly tasty meal.

Why do we try to be what we wanna be
If we can never be what we are?
And if we could find the way to enjoy everyday
We would have nothing to look forward to at all
There’s nothing wrong with bein’ just somebody
Cause everybody’s got some beauty deep within
And it’s not so hard to doubt what the next guy’s all about
When he lets the evil out and keeps the good stuff in

BE YOURSELF, BE REAL
BE REAL
Don't be nobody else
BE REAL, BE REAL
BE REAL

If the woman is loving you
For the soulful little things you do
You oughta see her through
Cause she’s few & far between
And today there is many a man
Who will walk up & down this land
And never really understand what somethin’ like that means
Now I don't believe there’s a man for every woman
So if you get lucky don't be playin’ any game
And you must never hide
The little things you really feel inside
Or someday someone’s bound to go insane

BE YOURSELF, BE REAL
BE REAL
Don't be nobody else
BE REAL, BE REAL
BE REAL

Wednesday 16th March
Totally useless through the day but cheered on opening Robin H's letter and,
while anything that could go wrong would, I managed to get my thoughts together
in preparation, albeit sloppily, for a Committee meeting and then Arran popped in,
just as I was leaving, so we were unable to sort out Robin H's problem,
and, as I didn't feel too good, I skipped the practice after the fumbled committee.

Thursday 17th March
Managed to get a few things done before Arran arrived
but by the time I'd got myself ready for John's invitation to Hooton Park
I hadn't achieved anything to merit the day, despite getting up in the Morning
but I returned Home, alone as usual, and reflected,
while listening again to Harry Chapin's Short Stories, especially a Song for Myself.

btw, my pseudonym, on the Dating sites that I've recently had to join,
is realistically summed up by 'chapinchap'  whereas non-Company Digital discourses,
in the early 80's, were attributed to 'Stephen Wolf', my 70's Steppenwolf.

Friday 18th March
Sorted some more little problems but, no matter how hard I tried,
stupidly I couldn't focus on a couple of needed actions
but managed to walk to the Post Box, with pained calves on returning,
and recovered sufficiently to listen to Ian M and Paranormal John's problems
and know that my Consultant will have something to medicate at our next meeting.

As I'm unable to fund anything at the moment, I downloaded a free copy of Audacity
and, while it does a complicated job of copying my LPs to Hard Drive,
I do look forward to a time when I can pay my dues to PonderbitS
but it was good to copy a few more albums, even though present passions
were reflected in my '69 copy of Neil Young's 'What did You Do To My Life'.

Saturday 19th March
A fine day drew me into the garden, ahead of my usual Easter weekend hit
and I enjoyed the sunlight, before Paranormal John picked me up for an evening's
Ghost hunt, first at an old Packhorse bridge, where I photographed nothing of interest,
before we explored the road outside Plas Teg, where Sacha and I went left
while John, Scott and Jamie explored right, and I'm intrigued at one Orb photo



among my evenings scant 72 pictures, showing an anomaly...
evidently taken at the scene of a fatal car crash,
before we warmed up in the New Inn, to chat about what we should explore next.

Sunday 20th March
Woke early, determined to continue the gardening
and enjoyed the loss of reality
as I again turned the Spring Sods.

Monday 21st March
Felt the painful reality of my weekend's gardening exercises
and found movement painful, but enjoyed the pain
of walking to my Monday unwind at the Woody
after getting some washing done
but knew that I just wanted to Scream.

Tuesday 22nd March
A useless day was again disturbed by my inability to do stuff
that I knew needed to be done
and yet I couldn't focus on doing anything, even eating
even though Chris M phoned with kind thoughts and common sense
as I listened through an oblivious haze
and then received an E-mail from PolderbitS offering me another 14 day trial
of their updated version, which I downloaded but didn't use,
and when Paranormal John, Arran and Loz turned up in the evening
I wasn't really there, as I absorbed their problems, indifferently.

Wednesday 23rd March
Another bad rising as extra mail joined the new pile
but spoke with my Solicitor and accepted that positive stuff is happening, slowly,
before Arran popped in, and was pleased that his problems appear to be resolved
and was especially pleased when Roger J popped in, with a couple of interesting Beers
before Doug invited me across the road for a pint in the later evening, for more Charity,
in time for me returning home to watch next week's Desperate Housewives.

Thursday 24th March
Still didn't do the stuff that should have been done
but got myself ready for a nice night out with Hamilton Chapter
and was pleased to accept the pain of movement
but, without reason, felt the deeper pain
of coping with the reality of my deserting wife.

Friday 25th March
Good Friday passed peacefully, if uneventfully.

Saturday 26th March
Went to Plas Teg and concentrated on the Stairs and...
there was one image, among the hundreds that I took, which kept me up,
well after daybreak, testing it under various filters. Most odd.

Sunday 27th March
Phoned Sarah & Michael with Easter Greetings
and passed another uneventful day
pondering Spring's rebirth.

Monday 28th March
The seasonal psoriasis has started to kick in, as anticipated,
and the arm needs resting more often now but, after enjoying chatting to
two nice ladies with Watchtower thoughts, I managed to hold a pint at the Woody.

Tuesday 29th March
Sylvia left a message on the unread answer machine
and Tom kindly delivered a Bonsai Oak, leaving it on my doorstep, for me to nurture,
while I was out of the house for a few minutes, for a loaf and eggs.

Wednesday 30th March
Sylvia phoned to ask if she could call in next Monday,
before work, after the funeral of her Friend's Daughter,
and I couldn't say No.

Thursday 31st March
Received kind and generous thoughts in the mail, in a non-threatening envelope,
before I phoned Sylvia to find out where to send my Sympathy Card
and mentioned how painful it is being amicable, while I wait for the whirlwind
to lift me out of her morass or breakdown the Dam pressure,
releasing me from this now stagnant pool, I need some flow to go with...
before Vince's warm and friendly E-mail, an evening breeze over burbling brook,
caused me to bring this year to an end.